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Tiny Engines

Not An Exit

by Truth Club

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released May 3, 2019


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Truth Club Raleigh, North Carolina

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  • Aug 16
    Raleigh, NC

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Track Name: I Know There Is
I know there is a place that is right for us
I hope there is such thing as a right time
I hope that you hope that there is a place that is right for us
Track Name: Student Housing
You have returned but you’re not back yet
an absent lapse of time to feel the difference
how our still life lingers but can change still

Even now I have the flutter high
you give to me when facing my direction
but right now I am gonna throw up

I am so taken that I saved your trash,
hoping that you’d come around not take it back
A bike brake pad, ruined camera film

Start the clock on week-and-counting
we can count on this or nothing at all
Avoidance of some vague promise
at least you had the decency to foresee this
I wish that I had been more cautious
but I’ll admit I couldn’t help but be
surrendered to your grace

I haven’t left but I am gone now
attending to the final affirmation of severance

Even now you seem so comfortable
encased in the embrace of my affection
Full of wide-eyed hopeful motivations
Track Name: Path Render
Life is gestural at best and at worst it’s a tracing
but mostly it’s a mess that casts down in circles
pressing hard with momentum to spare
but forgetting where to take this arc

Looking down over the plane, I can’t tell where I left off
or which of these lines laid so close is the one I started with
Time is calling our bluff, laughing at us while we all lay down

This is the part where you question the outcome
I wish I could know where my render will come from
all things around me somatic in spirit
the curvature is beautiful but what am I supposed to do with it?
Track Name: No Planned Sequel
Light a candle that flickers at the vigil
held for our relationship
well thanks a billion for keeping the location
somewhere I can still go hide for days
arrested, a duel infliction, hell if I know
if it’s yours or mine.

Or do you think this time, it’s past due?
conceding to release the hounds
on a once thought kempt common ground
torn right through
I know dormant thoughts could be reached again
still I’m doing what I can

Without you
working like those dogs I piss outside
to keep it clean on the inner me
for reasons you know well
sparing the details of my get-well
show-and-tell, because you’ve lived
the rehearsals for so long

and now I know it was wrong
expecting you to direct, produce, and star
the lead in this self-obsessed movie
since age sixteen, when you’ve still got
to pitch your own

I’ll be glad to see it shown as an actualized
dream, premiering at a point of independence
as a healthy representation of your progress
as a human, confident within your own skin

I’m impressed with your willingness to redact
unwritten contracts for the sake of potential
mutual happiness and no planned sequel
Track Name: Naesha
Naesha, thank you for ensuring your engagement
saw the star-crossed stitching unbind
mended it with intricate words
the rested gently cradling kind

gladly, through the things that we confront
we’ll last forever, and everything incredible comes
as easily as ever because
lossless communication

so thank you for making it so light to live beside you
you see me complete as no one else
and I will never need again
to seek someone else then

this will never be hyperbolical
and we will chronicle two months
over six months, over many years
because what we have is durable
Track Name: Not An Exit
In my bed, to myself, I thought I could hide
like Kameron did
inside my head is inside my head
no matter where I am
the body I have I realize I live in
underfed, ungrateful tennant
how long until I reach my

miss omniscient eyes
and how they’d quietly find me
thinking of you, preserve it in mind
and it will find a home within my sinews
a place I can’t go, but I’ve held and then
let go, ripping hands, bruising nails
defacement of a home

I can work for so long on a dissolve
but there is not an exit

fixate on patience until it creates
a vacant filth

Safe from the world and it will
quietly find you thinking of it
return and in time I know that
it will surely fucking kill me

Safe from the world
for how long I don’t know
there is not an exit from a form
and there’s never gonna be
Track Name: Tethering
Yesterday I went home
or at least the place it’s supposed to be
and you weren’t there and knew you wouldn’t be
the places I couldn’t help but see
were still there in suspended memory
it’s unspoken but always known
that a tight hand does not let go without slipping
from forced command

then the sensation just seems to end
there I am inside this town again, reminded that
it’s just a house, it’s just a street, there is nothing
tethering my belief that something still waits
here for me

and sometimes I really try, when I visit,
to forget what feels so lost in the bedroom
of the place where I grew up
bed sits quiet, always been
my mom cooks breakfast while I sleep in
still feels hollow like nowhere
and I realize in open air I found shelter
blanket night

biking, driving fast down Holly Tree
Quail Ct, Yaupon, and Market St
See your neighborhoods and where they lead
I am helpless now to the tethering that they bring

oh I wish that it would let me go
so that I can finally let you go
If everyone’s supposed to leave
their own mark on everything
at what point does the world just seem
too worn out
with nothing left as untouched
I guess we will find out soon enough
because who are you when you have nowhere, right?
and what is someplace without it claimed by you?
Track Name: Dry Off
How much water has to run down my face
and into the drain before I feel strong enough
to dry off?
be engaged?
The answer will change each time but I swear
I never get any cleaner or more prepared
I know I can’t
so ask me why my attempt
for respite takes precedence over yours, or worse
someone’s thirst and I will tell you
I’m doing exactly what I was taught and will always do

laid into the bath and for so long a stillness crept through
the porcelain cold on my skin, water dulling sense of motion
in other things

I would suspend

I will suspend

dry off
I cannot just dry off if I want to

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