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Tiny Engines

Not An Exit

by Truth Club

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1.
I know there is a place that is right for us I hope there is such thing as a right time I hope that you hope that there is a place that is right for us
2.
You have returned but you’re not back yet an absent lapse of time to feel the difference how our still life lingers but can change still Even now I have the flutter high you give to me when facing my direction but right now I am gonna throw up I am so taken that I saved your trash, hoping that you’d come around not take it back A bike brake pad, ruined camera film Start the clock on week-and-counting we can count on this or nothing at all Avoidance of some vague promise at least you had the decency to foresee this I wish that I had been more cautious but I’ll admit I couldn’t help but be surrendered to your grace I haven’t left but I am gone now attending to the final affirmation of severance Even now you seem so comfortable encased in the embrace of my affection Full of wide-eyed hopeful motivations
3.
Path Render 02:58
Life is gestural at best and at worst it’s a tracing but mostly it’s a mess that casts down in circles pressing hard with momentum to spare but forgetting where to take this arc Looking down over the plane, I can’t tell where I left off or which of these lines laid so close is the one I started with Time is calling our bluff, laughing at us while we all lay down This is the part where you question the outcome I wish I could know where my render will come from all things around me somatic in spirit the curvature is beautiful but what am I supposed to do with it?
4.
Light a candle that flickers at the vigil held for our relationship well thanks a billion for keeping the location somewhere I can still go hide for days arrested, a duel infliction, hell if I know if it’s yours or mine. Or do you think this time, it’s past due? conceding to release the hounds on a once thought kempt common ground torn right through I know dormant thoughts could be reached again still I’m doing what I can Without you working like those dogs I piss outside to keep it clean on the inner me for reasons you know well sparing the details of my get-well show-and-tell, because you’ve lived the rehearsals for so long and now I know it was wrong expecting you to direct, produce, and star the lead in this self-obsessed movie since age sixteen, when you’ve still got to pitch your own I’ll be glad to see it shown as an actualized dream, premiering at a point of independence as a healthy representation of your progress as a human, confident within your own skin I’m impressed with your willingness to redact unwritten contracts for the sake of potential mutual happiness and no planned sequel
5.
Luminescence 01:22
6.
Naesha 01:42
Naesha, thank you for ensuring your engagement saw the star-crossed stitching unbind mended it with intricate words the rested gently cradling kind gladly, through the things that we confront we’ll last forever, and everything incredible comes as easily as ever because lossless communication so thank you for making it so light to live beside you you see me complete as no one else and I will never need again to seek someone else then this will never be hyperbolical and we will chronicle two months over six months, over many years because what we have is durable
7.
Not An Exit 02:55
In my bed, to myself, I thought I could hide like Kameron did inside my head is inside my head no matter where I am the body I have I realize I live in underfed, ungrateful tennant how long until I reach my miss omniscient eyes and how they’d quietly find me thinking of you, preserve it in mind and it will find a home within my sinews a place I can’t go, but I’ve held and then let go, ripping hands, bruising nails defacement of a home I can work for so long on a dissolve but there is not an exit fixate on patience until it creates a vacant filth replace Safe from the world and it will quietly find you thinking of it return and in time I know that it will surely fucking kill me Safe from the world for how long I don’t know there is not an exit from a form and there’s never gonna be
8.
Tethering 04:03
Yesterday I went home or at least the place it’s supposed to be and you weren’t there and knew you wouldn’t be the places I couldn’t help but see were still there in suspended memory it’s unspoken but always known that a tight hand does not let go without slipping from forced command then the sensation just seems to end there I am inside this town again, reminded that it’s just a house, it’s just a street, there is nothing tethering my belief that something still waits here for me and sometimes I really try, when I visit, to forget what feels so lost in the bedroom of the place where I grew up bed sits quiet, always been my mom cooks breakfast while I sleep in still feels hollow like nowhere and I realize in open air I found shelter blanket night biking, driving fast down Holly Tree Quail Ct, Yaupon, and Market St See your neighborhoods and where they lead I am helpless now to the tethering that they bring oh I wish that it would let me go so that I can finally let you go If everyone’s supposed to leave their own mark on everything at what point does the world just seem too worn out with nothing left as untouched I guess we will find out soon enough because who are you when you have nowhere, right? and what is someplace without it claimed by you?
9.
Dry Off 05:19
How much water has to run down my face and into the drain before I feel strong enough to dry off? be engaged? The answer will change each time but I swear I never get any cleaner or more prepared I know I can’t so ask me why my attempt for respite takes precedence over yours, or worse someone’s thirst and I will tell you I’m doing exactly what I was taught and will always do laid into the bath and for so long a stillness crept through the porcelain cold on my skin, water dulling sense of motion in other things I would suspend I will suspend dry off I cannot just dry off if I want to

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released May 3, 2019

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